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December 10, 2012
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How to Survive a Horror Movie

1. Do not have sex. Having sex is basically signing your own death certificate.

2. If you're either blond, big boobed, refuse to wear a bra, or all of the above, you're going to get killed, usually when you're fucking your boyfriend (who will also be killed, might I add.)

3. Never joke around and play pranks, because when you're really in trouble no one will believe you or care.

4. Don't go to the toilet at night, especially if it's an outside one, or if you're wear no or minimal clothes.

5. Same goes for showers, whether they're outside or not. Not only will you be unable to defend yourself, you will also die naked, which can be kinda embarrassing, and awkward for whoever finds you. Besides, who knows what the killer does with the body… *Shudder*

6. If you're running away, which you will be, make sure you're wearing proper shoes. High heels or bare feet usually end up in tears. And blood. A lot of blood.  

7. Also, if you're running, never look behind you. You will either trip over a magical root/rock/pothole/dead body and then you're screwed, OR the killer will some how teleport in front of you and then you're also screwed. Better to just keep your head and eyes forward.

8. Horray, you've killed the monster/psychopath/zombie/demon! Or so you've thought. DO NOT assume that the monster/psychopath/zombie/demon is dead until you've hacked that fuckers body up into tiny pieces and fed them to wild animals. And even then, I would suggest carrying a knife with you for awhile.

9. Don't hide any where obvious. And by obvious, I mean under beds, in cupboards/closets, rafters, in the bathroom, up a tree, Narnia etc. Anywhere you hide, he will find you. And he'll usually wait until you think you're safe and come out, before proceeding to scare the shit out of you and behead you.

10. Anyone who is claimed to be the 'town toony or drunk' usually knows what they're talking about for some reason, so it would be best to listen to them.

11. Never, and I repeat, NEVER claim to not believe, not be afraid or otherwise not care about rumors, legends or strange noises. I don't care about your stupid reputation, dignity or pride, none of that matters when you've been eaten by a cannibal or demon dog.

12. Don't scream. It's pointless and just lets the killer know where you are.

13. If you are in the company of someone who suggests splitting up, a screamer, or slow/overweight person, it would be best to either kill them or use them as a distraction when you run into the killer. They're gonna get you killed anyway, so better them than you.

14. Every man/woman for themselves. If your friend falls over when running from the killer, leave them. If they accidentally cut their own foot off with their weapon, leave them. If they need to go to the toilet, leave them. They're most probably stupid anyway and will get you into trouble.

15. Get a boyfriend, girls. But DON'T have sex with him. A boyfriend will try to heroically protect you, so it gives you a chance to run away. Or watch him get butchered, whatever.

16. Hitch-hikers are always a no-no. I don't care if it's raining, snowing or the fucking apocalypse is happening and he's about to be hit with a blazing 1300 ton ball of fire, lava and rock, don't. He/she is usually a psychopath who wants to rape and/or kill you.

17. Don't baby sit, especially on Halloween, Friday the 13th, full moon or on a street that has a reputation of kids dying horribly in their sleep.

18. Always turn the light on before entering a room, especially if you heard a noise from it. If the light doesn't work, close the door, lock it, barricade it, plant land mines around it and leave the house.

19. If it moves, hit it. I don't care if it's your friend, dog, mum, sister, a priest, nun whatever. Just hit it.

20. If you have the chance to kill the killer, take it. Don't wuss out and expect him to say, "Oh, you're right, you've taught me a valuable life lesson about killing, I'll never do it again." Because he won't. He'll stab you in the face and use your internal organs for dinner.

21. If you ever accidentally kill someone and then hide the body so know one finds out, I suggest moving to a different country mysteriously the next night. That or kill everyone else involved, or who you think might have seen.

22. If your house is the focus of any rumors or urban legends, I suggest moving, unless your goal in life is to be forced to haunt an old house for eternity.

23. If you're annoying, disliked or an arsehole to anyone (especially quite, unpopular kids at school) you're gonna die.

24. If you're corner by the killer, don't bother begging for your life or crying. You're going to die, and not only is in embarrassing, degrading and undignified, but it will provide a lot of entertainment for the killer, and you don't want that, after all he's done.

25. Splitting up is one of the worst things to do. People usually get picked off one by one, so don't go anywhere by yourself.

26. If you're home alone and you see a door or window that you're sure you locked, GET OUT of the house as soon as you can.

27. When choosing a weapon, something such as a knife, baseball bat or golf club is preferred over a stick or orange.

28. If you have any suspicions about your little sister's doll being possessed, destroy it. Burn it, crush it, stab it, bury it and blow it up all at once. Even if your sister never forgives you, remember that you most probably saved both her and yourself from a terrible death.

29. Don't go into creepy old mansions, even if dared, and especially not if you see floating figures, hear creepy noises, or if the door opens by itself.

30. Don't assume every weird thing you see if imagined. It's probably not, and you will die. Tell someone, and get the hell out of there.

31. Don't even bother relying on cars. They will either not start, break down halfway, or the killer will be hiding in the back ready to give you a surprise.

32. Don't rely on policemen either. They have a tendency to die.

33. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. You won't have a clue what's going on, and will get killed.

34. Never dress up as the killer, even on Halloween. You will either get mistake as him and killed by the police, or piss off the murderer.

35. Don't fall asleep.

36. Pulling the maniac's mask off is a stupid idea. Either you will piss him off, or the hideousness of his face will stun you enough for him to kill you.

37. Don't think it's over, especially if it's still night. It will most likely never be over, so you should live in constant fear, especially if there's going to be a sequel.

38. If you live near a mental asylum/prison and there is news of an escaped inmate, move to a different state until he's caught.

39. Listen to the music. If it's getting louder and/or creepier, turn around and run back the way you came.

40. If you go into the basement or attic you're an idiot who deserves to die anyway.

41. Don't throw or go to parties. Especially if they're on Halloween, Friday the 13th, or if they're at an old, abandoned mansion/prison/hospital/mental asylum.

42. Be nice to everyone, because you don't know who the killer is.

43. If you have a history in mental illness, you'll probably find out you were the killer all along. Likewise, if one of your friends has a known mental illness, it would be best to silently leave them forever, or fake your own death. You don't want to hang around them, or piss them off.

44. Deciding to take a midnight walk or swim is a really stupid decision, and will end in your painful demise.

45. If you say "I'll be right back", you are actually saying an un-known summoning spell, which will actually draw the killer towards you.

46. If you leave your friend behind, and they end up not dying, you're going to die for being a conceited douche bag.

47. If you're black, you will probably die early, as the killers always seem to be racist.

48. Don't ever ask, "Who's there?". In most cases, you don't want to know.

49. Flashlights are always traitors, and will go out in the scariest moments.

50. Running upstairs while being chased is a really dumb thing to do. You'll either be killed, or be forced to jump out a window.

51. Don't adopt. Especially the quite, creepy looking kids.

52.  Deserted towns usually have a reason for being deserted. Respect that, and get your ass out of there.

53. Don't trust anyone. Especially people you've just met. And if even life long friends start acting weird, such as talking in tongues or acting weird, it would be best for you to ditch them.

54. Don't bother barricading the front door. The killer will most probably just walk through the wall, smash in through the window, or some how teleport inside the house.

55. If the killer comes out wearing the mask your friend was wearing just a minute ago and points a spear gun at your face, I suggest running, rather than telling them to stop messing around. And take more notice of what your friend is wearing, and what his or her body shape is.

56. Always move with your back to the wall. If you don't, the killer will always appear behind you.

57. If you hear a scream, or crying in the forest, don't go investigate. It's usually the killer trying to lure you out. And if it's not, tough luck for that poor bastard.

58. Make sure to research an area before you holiday there. If there are cases of missing people or murders, it's better to pick somewhere else, unless you want to die.

59. Never say that it's alright. It's not, and you will probably just jinx yourself.

60. If you answer the phone and there is either silence, heavy breathing or someone asking you if you've checked the children, slam the phone back down and leave the house. And DO NOT check the children. I'm sure they can handle it themselves...
Been reading a lot of these, so I decided to write my own :3

If theres any mistakes, please tell me, and feel free to comment any you think of!

Hope you like!
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:iconpinpale:
pinpale Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
-laughing the whole way through- Man, this is totally hilarious! -looks at friend- Sorry Joyce but... Your fucked
Reply
:iconnekokitty35:
nekokitty35 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
*reads number 2, looks back at friend.*
"Uh, hate to break it to you, but your screwed..."
Reply
:iconandyman11:
andyman11 Featured By Owner May 31, 2014
100% real axxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reply
:iconawsomequa:
AwsomeQua Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I loved it. Here's another one. If your friends suddenly start to die one by one then stop being friends with them and move to another country, no matter what don't have any contact with them unless you wanna die too.
Reply
:iconheeeeresizzy:
HeeeeresIzzy Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Haha, thanks :3

Yeah, that's certainly a good one XD
Reply
:iconlozlove14:
lozlove14 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Student Artist
Hahahahaha! I ❤ it!
Reply
:iconheeeeresizzy:
HeeeeresIzzy Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Thanks c:
Reply
:icondassovietcanuck:
DasSovietCanuck Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Student Writer
I'll admit, some of these elicited a chuckle from me ;)

Don't know if you've ever seen this here, but your listicle here reminded me of this infographic from a few Halloweens back: [link] =D
Reply
:iconheeeeresizzy:
HeeeeresIzzy Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Haha, I've done my job then. :D I'm glad you liked it!

No, I haven't seen that, but thanks for sharing c:
Reply
:iconkillersmiledog:
Killersmiledog Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
If you're black, you will probably die early, as the killers always seem to be racist. <-------- :icondignatylaughplz:
Reply
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